I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
