gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
