OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
