if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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