i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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