My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Randomize
