I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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