i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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