I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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