i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
