He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
