His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
