But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
