Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
