the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
