I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
