you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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