let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
