I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
