so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
