Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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