I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
