i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
