someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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