Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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