ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
