I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
she told me i tasted like america
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
