You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
