If i come over, it means nothing
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
