I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
