your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
