she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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