I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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