I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
