Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Is Oprah even human
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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