i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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