No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
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having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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