just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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