im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
