i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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