By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize