Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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