I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
