I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
