Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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