I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
