Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
