i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
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Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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