nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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