The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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