I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
