i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
