K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
