I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
