you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
