A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
