upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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