if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
