I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
