I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
