He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
